This is it Star Wars fans, the final week before the release of the next chapter in the Star Wars saga hits theaters, “Star Wars: The Last Jedi”. A title that caused a bit of confusion and speculation as to who the last Jedi really was. Thank goodness writer and director Rian Johnson has stated that his intent was that Luke Skywalker is indeed the last Jedi, as Yoda stated that he was back in 1983.
Uh oh, did I just spoil something for you? Sorry! This final week is always a challenge to not learn anything new about the movie before you see it. The movie premiered Saturday Dec 9, and many of the major press and various other entities had a chance to see the movie a week before you or me could see it, and the reviews are already all over Twitter! Thankfully most of the news is positive, so we’ll take that information in stride.
Of course, there are those who will never be satisfied since “The House that Mickey Built” now owns the franchise. I’ve seen them complaining already. These are the same people who hate ewoks, despise porgs, and generally will troll any website that doesn’t take a series of kids movies seriously enough. Yes, I said kids movies, since that was George’s target audience, and since we have a ton of 40+ year-olds reliving their childhood with all of the new younger fans, I’d say that strategy has been successful.
But that is neither here nor there, because this is the last week, and we’ve got to protect ourselves from any news that we don’t want to know about until we sit in that theater and return to a Galaxy Far, Far Away.
So I present to you a list of what you can do to protect your force sensitive ears and eyes from hearing or reading anything you don’t want to see.
1. Detach from all forms of social media. It may not be enough to simply not log in or open the app to your favorite social media site. Attachment can lead to the Dark Side after all, so fire up your Death Star’s primary weapon (gently now) and blast the headquarters and servers of stated website into oblivion. Don’t worry, their insurance can handle it.
2. Jedi mind trick anyone that sees the movie before you do. I’m pretty sure you can easily make them think they haven’t seen it. For a bonus point, take them with you when you go to see it and they’ll have gotten to view the film twice, even if they can’t remember the first viewing.
3. Scream like a porg anytime anyone mentions anything.
4. Put the blast shield down on your helmet anytime you wish to go online. That’ll keep you from reading any headlines about what actor showed up at the premiere that makes the writer wonder what legendary character may be in the movie.
5. Shoot first. Han would approve.
And there you have it, 5 ways to protect your innocence before you see the movie. I can not be held responsible for any consequences due to any actions you take claiming I recommended it to you. Don’t make me destroy you. I mean this article, don’t make me destroy this article.